Local Man Announces Five-Year Plan to Finally Reply to Email

The strategic roadmap begins with rereading the message and thinking of a friendly opening sentence.

By Misprint StaffDecember 30, 1969 at 3:15 AM1 min readSatire

A laptop, notebook, and phone arranged on a desk — A scene recreated after everyone involved declined to remember it clearly.Photo illustration / The National Misprint

BATON ROUGE — Calling the initiative “ambitious but achievable,” local man Aaron Bell unveiled a five-year plan Monday to reply to an email he received last Tuesday.

Phase one will involve leaving the message marked unread so it remains emotionally visible.

A measured approach

Open the email again.
Draft “Hi, sorry for the delay.”
Become distracted by a newer email.
Revisit the initiative next quarter.

Bell said full implementation could be accelerated if the sender texts him.

This is satire. This story is fictional. Any resemblance to actual events is an unfortunate scheduling coincidence.

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