Nation
Crude Oil Enrolls in Etiquette Course to Become More Refined
After millions of years of unfiltered behavior, petroleum industry leaders hope basic manners can transform crude oil into a more respectable member of society.
Latest
Developments, unfortunately.
Nation
Man With World’s Largest Thumb Still Trying to Hitch Ride to Fonzie Impersonator Convention
“At first, I thought he was showing support for America,” motorist Sheila Perkins said. “Once I realized he needed a ride, I honked to show support for that too.”
Nation
Nation’s Experts Confirm Nobody Knows What That Meeting Was About
The country’s leading authorities on workplace ambiguity confirmed Tuesday that no participant could identify a purpose, decision, or next step.
Business
Area Dog Promoted After Demonstrating Stronger Leadership Skills Than Management
Employees praised the newly appointed vice president for morale for his clear priorities and consistent follow-through.
Politics
Congress Passes Landmark Bill Requiring All Bills to Have More Impressive Names
The THUNDER EAGLE FREEDOM ACT directs lawmakers to spend no less than 40 percent of drafting time on acronyms.
Science
Scientists Discover New Form of Matter Inside Office Refrigerator
The substance is older than the accounting department and appears to respond defensively to labels.
Local
Town Installs Second Roundabout to Give Drivers Time to Recover From First
Engineers say the additional loop gives motorists a full 11 seconds to reconsider every choice that brought them there.
Business
Economy Adds 40,000 Jobs Asking Employees to Do the Work of Three People
Analysts celebrated a surge in positions offering competitive exposure and the occasional chair.
Technology
Weather App Issues Apology for Weather
The app acknowledged that conditions had become inconsistent with the attractive sun icon displayed all morning.